ryangzihui

Dear God,

This is the most sleepless night ever.

Remember this scientific term called “Saturation point”?
My emotions have reached beyond this saturation point,so much that I am absolutely numbed.

Apparently,maybe experimentation works better for me, or maybe not.

2 guys caught my attention and I have an ignited interest for them.

1 who is attached, an Aussie who has an attitude in a positive way. He has his own school of thoughts;very much an independent thinker. & I like it that we have such similar views and how he started ranting to me about the petty lecturer in front of the lecturer for not understanding our point of view. Obviously, the petty lecturer got clearly unhappy, all written on his fugly face and I couldn’t help giggling cos it was just so darn FUNNEH! Well, I couldn’t help disliking this lecturer too. He’s so narrow-minded because he thinks his views are the only right answers. We were discussing on a documentary that we watch, and all of us, coming from different backgrounds, cultures and countries would definitely have different interpreted views.

Another is a Vietnamese guy who speaks with a British accent. Not much to say anything about him yet.

I’m finally getting a life, looking around, making new friends.

I feel like I’m becoming myself again.

Though this semester started off badly because of the inefficiency of the school’s administrative system, I have met new people I would genuinely love to hang out with!

Meeting new people makes my life so awesome, more than what awesome can explain!

They have me amused, make me laugh, make me feel interested and makes me see the brighter side of life!

Thank God for all kinds of people!:)

Dear God,

A semester has passed, and another has arrived.

Thank you for keeping my alive.

I commit this semester into your hands.

Give me the wisdom to carry out all tasks.

Cover me with your hands & watch over my every move.

Preserve my alertness when I need to be, and leave me tired when I need rest.

Most importantly, grant me health, so I can fulfil what you have placed in my heart.

I am still extremely mad with the school.

& this sentence isn’t enough to express my degree of anger.

My degree of anger is more than 360 degrees.

& I have to keep reminding myself: ” Deal with them with class.”

DAMN IT I WANNA BURN DOWN THIS FREAKING SCHOOL, not literally.

Fuck this school.

I found out more disparities between mine and my friend’s course fee.

MORE mistakes?!?!

Fuck you. I hope I’m wrong and they can explain to me what’s the medical insurance for.

& they always dont pick up the school phone so what the freaking hell is the number for. STUPID.

I hate it when things don’t go my way.

Every single little thing that goes wrong frustrates me.

Okay I need to cool down.

This bout of dengue fever made me re-consider about a lot of things I’ve said previously.

Thank God for giving me a new lease of life again.

I felt like I was gonna die on Saturday night.

Thank God I didn’t get the whole package of dengue fever.

It was just the rashes and feebleness that gave me enough of that suffering.

Pink health is a gift from God, cherish it.

Not everyone got away with it as easily as I did.

Okay, I’m going off to rest again, to recuperate.

I rather complain than bring it to my death bed.

I can tell you why I hate living in my own home for negative reasons, positive reasons-leave that aside.

NOISE- I HATE NOISE BIG TIME.

It is noisy when my father Blasts the fucking television okay. & he makes the dogs barks. & when he moves around in the house, he moves around noisily. Drags the chair, breaks something, whatever shit. Talks loud. Doesn’t help the males in the house talking fucking loud.Yeah he has his good sides but I can find that easily in other people. Sometimes I try to convince myself he is a good dad, but he is not really actually. Noise gives me a lot of stress. Yeah, not to you. But it is to me, okay. So don’t think if you can take it then I can take it. Everyone has different threshold levels. That’s why I really hate living in a big family, I envy single child. Unless you can be fucking accommodating. Eat my shit, no one is really accommodating cos everyone is born selfish. You either give way and be unhappy or fight over about it, be selfish, ignorant and happy.

STRESS @ HOME

-Decided not to elaborate-

Today, I went to see the doctor and she told be I should be happier, she said I don’t look good and she asked why am I so skinny, and I attributed that to school stress. Actually, I tell you, it is family stress that stresses you out. PEOPLE, not SCHOOL or BOOKS. That’s one reason why I so want to go off to Australia. I just need “time out” alone & let me do anything I want.

I’m feeling so fucked up now.

So these are the things I am bent on doing next semester:

1) Get a part-time job. I feel horrible having to still rely on my parents for my allowance. They are just getting old, too fast, for me. It’s heart-wrenching, really. I’m considering the bars along Clarke Quay, because I can’t think of any other places I’ll be interested in working at and I suppose bars pays better? For Chupitos Bar, the closing times are either 1.30 or 3.30am. So if they would still want me  despite informing them that I won’t be able to work on Fridays and Saturdays where the closing times are 3.30am, then good for me.

2) Tennis lessons. I’ve already found a friend who is interested in learning tennis too.

3)Maybe join an interest group in school? I’m not sure if I am able to cope, but uh we’ve got 16 hours, deducting 8 hours of sleep. So it also means I have to finish up and revise my school work faster.

I’ve got to be discipline, 8 hours of sleep and nothing more. Though I tend to sleep lesser these days, this holiday is making me lazy.

My dad has his sweet side.

He always gets overly worried whenever I fall sick, which of course rarely happens. Thank God for that because I hate falling sick. I avoid the intake of medication as much as possible. My mom is so blur she nearly “poisoned” me with a medicine not meant for fever and is dated Jan 2010. So I went downstairs to search for a fever medicine dated March 2011.

& I like it that Dad gives me a lot of space. I think I should make it a weekly thing to head to the gym with him, or maybe a swim which I don’t enjoy, but too much of gym for him may wear and tear his joints much faster. So I should make gyming/ swimming on alternate weeks. & when we are going for a swim, I shall drag my mom along, because I never want her to be in my paternal grandmother’s shoes;too much of fat accumulated around her waist that her knees can rarely support her weight anymore. To put it bluntly, she is like a paralysed person.

My mom is too risk averse.

When I told her that she has to top up my bank account so I can quickly apply for the  basic theory test, and basic theory trial test online which I did not take previously & I should have because it would have increased my chances in passing the actual test which I didn’t. You are required to get 45 out of 50 to attain a pass, which I didn’t, I got 43. How stupid can I get? So anyway, I want to get my driving license before I head off to Australia. When I told my mom that she said :” What?! You don’t drive, it’s not safe, you don’t have to drive.”

& when I was trying to convince her this morning why she has to start going for a swim, she said she is afraid she can’t swim. This time round, I will not be taken in by any of her excuses which also includes :” I look fat in my swimming costume” & ” I have no time”.

The brutal truth: There is no price charming on the white horse who will save the damsel in times of distress.

I’ve decided I shall just remain single for the rest of my life because I am a fragile person incapable of handling failed relationships.

P.S: I may be saying this recklessly, but whatever it is, I am still saying it.

No one will understand what I’m going through unless you’ve been through a relationship before.

I describe this what I’m going through, a ” slow and pain death”.

So, someone or you breaks up with either of another, without a choice.

However, mine wasn’t like a relationship as it was a long-distance relationship.

Mine is a slow and painful death.

It first comes off as someone you adore so dearly isn’t with you anymore, without a choice, and you can do NOTHING about it.

Fate played with me, you shouldn’t have let us meet in the first place.

A sense of hopelessness befalls you, and then a wave of denial tries to make you feel better.

Some people gets out of this vicious cycle of denial fast because they have gone through it before, while some takes longer because this is the first love, while some takes a short or long time due to their personality;less sentimental.

I wish someone would shoot my head for being sentimental.

It’s been 10 months.

& I’m still not forgetting you.

I honestly feel like killing myself sometimes.

I feel hopeless now.

Waking up early is a better option than sleeping it off.

Sleeping it off=running away from reality.

I have these really strange words in my mind now…

” Don’t talk to me, talk to my hand, because I need to be alone to get well.”

Well, obviously, thoughts come for a reason or more.

People deemed thoughts as “random” when such thoughts are unexpected.

Whatever it is, don’t talk to me, I am trying so hard to not talk to you.

I need to get a life.

Let me be alone and sad thoughts go away.